taking a step

So I have been talking to someone for a few weeks now, and I can honestly say she is the most amazing person I have talked to in a long time. It's not easy for me to trust people and I keep my guard up 99.9% of the time with people. It doesn't matter how long I have known that person, just a part of me keeps my walls up for the 'what if'. I hate it. Receantly I have decided to let my guard down and try something new, so far im glad I made that choice. Though that part of me still wants to keep the walls up for the inevitable. I'm trying to ignore that feeling, but sometimes it's too strong.

You can only get hurt so many times before you start to think that everyone will do it to you eventually. I've reacently gotten out of a serious relationship, it was the hardest thing I have been threw, and I have had alot of relationships. This one was diffrent for some reason. I was hurt beyond belief, I didn't know the person I was so inlove with could really treat me the way she treated me. I put myself threw denial and ignored the fact that I was being torn apart. I don't normaly take advice from others when it comes to people Iam dating, but this time I couldn't take anymore of the pain and grief I was being put threw.

You can say your sorry till the word gets old, but it will never be enough to undo something that can last forever. Once I let myself trust someone completly I feel more and more vulnerable. It is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world to me, and extremly hard for me to do. When that trust is broken with me, you can rarely ever get it back. All threw my life I have been let down and stepped on by almost everyone I have been with, or had a friendship with, I guess part of that is my fault. Sometimes I can be too nice, and it sucks. Though in this stage of my life I'm taking a big step and doing for me. If I can't be happy how am I suppose to keep someone else happy?

She says she understands, but I still don't think she fully does get what I'm saying to her. She deleted me off myspace today, I'm not that worried about it. Obviously I'm taking too long to forgive her and move past what she did to me. I don't deserve that. I'm a great person, and I deserve to be treated like one. Im the kind of person that looks for love where ever I go. You could say I'm addicted to it. When people smile because of me I feel like I'm on top of the world. Lately I have been feeling like that alot.

So in about 10 days I get to finally meet the girl that hasn't fail to put a smile on my lips since the first day I talked to her. Im really excited, and nervous at the same time. I know we will have an amazing time, really? We are two amazing people what else kind of time would we have? I really don't know how I'm going to react when she is infront of my face, I just hope I don't make a complete fool out of myself ha. Aside from everythig I have been put threw the past month or so, talking to her and getting to know her has be great. Though I feel like I'm doing something wrong at the same time. You can't help how you feel about people, expessially when you start to like them. I don't regret liking her at all, I really injoy it, and it's something I could get use to.

Im looking forward to those pancakes =]