Well I haven't blogged in awhile, but I want to start again..my journal is running out of paper lol.
Well I have been threw quite a bit this past month or so...I can say now that its making me stronger, but a few weeks ago I would have laughed in the face of anyone who would tell me it gets better. I was stuck in a deep dark well with now way out and no sign of any light to be seen. I'm not out of that well, Im being pulled back in whenever I get to were I can see some light again. I have alot have to work on with myself, and I know its going to be a long time before I can get to the point of being really alright, now im just glad if I make it threw the day without getting depressed. While I was gone I met alot af great people and alot of shitty people, but thats life. The ladies that I did meet and got close with I wont ever forget. They encouraged me in their own little ways.
I can honestly say that their is one person that sticks out from everyone else. Lindsey Blair, she opened my eyes and brought me back to reality. Having someone tell you to stop being a "selfish bitch" when your on the verge of killing yourself, well for me I was shocked and scared...no one had ever said that to me and Im so glad she did. It really shows me how much she cares, to be that honest and tell me how it is, it means alot to me.
I'am doing better than the last times I was away, and im pretty confident that im going to defeat my demons this time around. Though I still have my days where my thoughts over come me.
ill add more when i have time.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
=] see that? <<<< thats what she makes me do<3
So despite all of my bi-polar posts.
NOW I feel absolutely fantastic.<3 I honestly didn't think I would be happy for a long time, but I guess great things do come to those that wait =] It's weird though, everytime I have a bad break up someone COMPLETLY random comes into my life and lifts me up. It's happened everytime, and it is starting to give me hope. Because let me tell you, It is so crazy how fast I'm liking this girl. It didn't take much for her to make me happy, because all I wanted was someone who was willing to prove they wouldn't hurt me. And I think she is doing a good job of that. Idk how it happened so fast...like their was an instant click between us...and I can feel it. People keep telling me not to rush into anything, but it's so hard when you feel like you have een talking to this person forever already, and know alot about them in a short period of time, feel comfortable telling them things.
I have been threw alot these past 6 months. And I'm really hoping this stays awhile, because I would love to see where this will go, though I already have an idea<3 I can't remember the last time I had butterflies and she gives them to me alot, I get them just by thinking about her while I'm at school in class<3 Im ready to move on completely, and I want to explore what this girl has to offer me<3
NOW I feel absolutely fantastic.<3 I honestly didn't think I would be happy for a long time, but I guess great things do come to those that wait =] It's weird though, everytime I have a bad break up someone COMPLETLY random comes into my life and lifts me up. It's happened everytime, and it is starting to give me hope. Because let me tell you, It is so crazy how fast I'm liking this girl. It didn't take much for her to make me happy, because all I wanted was someone who was willing to prove they wouldn't hurt me. And I think she is doing a good job of that. Idk how it happened so fast...like their was an instant click between us...and I can feel it. People keep telling me not to rush into anything, but it's so hard when you feel like you have een talking to this person forever already, and know alot about them in a short period of time, feel comfortable telling them things.
I have been threw alot these past 6 months. And I'm really hoping this stays awhile, because I would love to see where this will go, though I already have an idea<3 I can't remember the last time I had butterflies and she gives them to me alot, I get them just by thinking about her while I'm at school in class<3 Im ready to move on completely, and I want to explore what this girl has to offer me<3
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Cry
Im honestly just going to cry until I feel better, Idk when that will be, but I'm hoping soon...Im breaking down, and all I want is someone to fix my broken heart. I just don't think I'll find that. I'm finally losing hope, and that hurts the most.
Someone come find me?
Someone come find me?
Monday, August 3, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Bailey and I, this is who we are
I love doing this stuff with my bestie, we are crazy, but hey, whats the fun in just listeing to a song? lol
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Her.
We went threw hell and back so many times I have lost count.
I know that we may never be okay, that we may never get to pick up where we were forced to leave off. I hate that we were forced to stop where we did. You were honestly my first true love, and I can admit that. I have been thinking about this alot, and it rips me apart knowing that we can't go back to what we use to be.
"I just hope you meet someone that deserves every aspect of love you are capable to give.That that person will understand that you are human, that you make mistakes, that your not perfect, and that they understand that when given the chance you can fill them up completly to were they never feel half ful"
You told me it won't happen, not to worry, because the person I described was me..
I can't believe this is were we are left to be. Everything good that we shared, its all just a dream now...No one understood why I stayed with you. That I was being stupid for being with someone who treated me so bad. But what they didn't see was that thats what we did. We yelled at eachother, we faught about stupid things, but when I got the chance to see you face to face, to hold you in my arms, we never faught once. Our words were always filled with love and to the touch it felt like I could melt into a puddle.
Now, its gone. Its gone because we both let the distance, and the stress of hiding what we felt, that we let it defeat us and break us down. Now we are both stuck in the middle of a race staring at a finish line we will never get to. Love makes you do stupid things. I have no regrets of being with you, I have said hurtful things trying to hide the pain with my anger, and so have you.
I don't want to say goodbye, because it means forever.
I know that we may never be okay, that we may never get to pick up where we were forced to leave off. I hate that we were forced to stop where we did. You were honestly my first true love, and I can admit that. I have been thinking about this alot, and it rips me apart knowing that we can't go back to what we use to be.
"I just hope you meet someone that deserves every aspect of love you are capable to give.That that person will understand that you are human, that you make mistakes, that your not perfect, and that they understand that when given the chance you can fill them up completly to were they never feel half ful"
You told me it won't happen, not to worry, because the person I described was me..
I can't believe this is were we are left to be. Everything good that we shared, its all just a dream now...No one understood why I stayed with you. That I was being stupid for being with someone who treated me so bad. But what they didn't see was that thats what we did. We yelled at eachother, we faught about stupid things, but when I got the chance to see you face to face, to hold you in my arms, we never faught once. Our words were always filled with love and to the touch it felt like I could melt into a puddle.
Now, its gone. Its gone because we both let the distance, and the stress of hiding what we felt, that we let it defeat us and break us down. Now we are both stuck in the middle of a race staring at a finish line we will never get to. Love makes you do stupid things. I have no regrets of being with you, I have said hurtful things trying to hide the pain with my anger, and so have you.
I don't want to say goodbye, because it means forever.
The definitio of love by andrew landon
Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it. Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it. It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Sick to my stomach
Wow can today get any worse? It probably could, but I rather it not.
I said I wasn't going to post in this anymore, but whatever, its convenient.
And Im not sugar coating this post either...because there are just somethings that I really need to get out...and I don't care if you read this or not, but I can tell you now, don't read this thinking its going to be about rainbows and icecream.
The incident with my sister was brought up once again today. I really don't know what to think about it, but disgust and hate. How can a grown man do that to a 6 year old little girl? It sickens me to know people do these types of horrible things to eachother. I feel so bad for her, and I know there isn't anything I can say to make her feel much better. But she knows we are all here for her, atleast the ones that know what happened. Blehh..I can't keep talking about this right now.
I don't know why, but everytime something happeneds to me emotionally it brings up painful memories of my past. I have never really wrote about it, I have talked about it to certian people that I trust. It is just one of those things that really cuts you deep, and with me, it really has never healed up. I don't really know how to deal with my past, so I just choose not to. I can remember when my sister and I were really little, I was about 5 or 6 and my sister was about 3 or 4. My parents were arguing again, like they did every night, though this time it was bad. I remember sitting by the door with my blanket holding my sister while we cried. I never was the best sister in the world, but I was always there for my sister when she needed me. I would beat up anyone who would mess with her, and stick up for her whenever she needed me, same goes for my little brother. I think that makes up for alot.
My parents tried to play it off as they were just talking loudly with eachother. I was 6 I knew what was going on, I wasn't stupid. I was 7 when my parents finally got divorced. I think that was the start of my problems. At the age of 7 years old I brought it upon myself to be a grown up. I took on all the burdens my mom was going threw and kept them deep inside because I felt I had to stay strong for my mom, my brother and sister, which causes me to have to talk to the school consoler everyday beause I would start to cry out of nowhere in class. Who would have known that doing so would really cause so much damage when I got older. My mom got a new boyfriend that we eventually moved in with. He was a big mamma's boy and not to mention a total jerk. I think we lived with him for about 2 years or so, and then out of nowhere we moved again. At the time I didn't know why we had left, come to find out, he was hitting her.
Well we moved to these apartments in town, (I lived in chetek Wisconsin at the time) And honestly those were the best years of my life from 3rd grade to 5th grade. The best times were spent with my mom and my younger siblings. I hated going to my dad's at times, because his temper was so bad, and it scared me. We didn't have the most money growing up, lived off food stamps and my mom working 2 jobs, but I was just happy to be with my real family.
My dad has always had a really bad temper, but it seemed to get worse once him and my mom split up. I was always getting yelled at for the littlest things. I remember one time i got hit in the face with a empty coke box for not rinsing all the soap off the dishes. I was 9, really? wow. I remember being about 10 years old when my dad really stepped out of line. We were going to the lake and we didn't put all the tubes into the trunk and he lost it. He told all three of us that if he could he would put us up for adoption because we were lazy useless kids that belonged with lazy useless people. Now how the hell is a 10, 8, and 6 year old suppose to take that? and you knwo what? He never once apologized.
After the years went on I finished up elementry school and moved to jacksonville, fl. I thought everything would get better from there, well it didn't. No matter how much I begged and cried I would have to go see my dad every summer. I hated it. He verbally abused me all the time. He said I got in trouble because I was the oldest and he had to make an example out of me. At this point in my life I had low self esteem and trusted everyone around me that said they cared about me. Well that was a mistake. My dad broke so many promises and said so many hurtful words that anyone who said something nice to me, or complimented me, I got close to. And once I did, I got torn down.
By the time I was in 8th grade things really started to get bad. My eating habits were staring to change and I was still wearing a size 16 in juniors. I was depressed all the time, but I was good at hiding it. By the time I was in 10th grade I had done alot of things to try and end my life. No one even knew what was going on with me. Not even my mom. The first time I tried to "do away" with myself I was in the 7th grade. I became anorexic and was for about 3 years. I was seeing a therapist for about a year, which didn't help that much.
I still have very bad trust issues and I no longer let my gaurd down all the way. Looking back on all that I have been threw I really believe that God plays a huge part in why Iam still here, along with a couple of my friends. If it wasn't for him or my two best friends, Erika Bridges, and Jose Ramaro, I would not be here, and thats the truth. I still have a hard time when it comes to my emotions, and I tend to get sucked in when people say things to me that make me feel good. I think that since I never heard it from my dad, the man I use to look up to, that once someone else showed me the love that my father didn't I would get sucked in. Come to find out everyone that told me they cared really didn't and were just looking for a fix.
I have met only a few people that I can call my really good friends. I don't fully trust them yet and its been years. I don't know how long it will take me to get over my trust issuse, or if I ever will. They tend to get in the way when I start a relationship with someone, because in the back of my head I tell myself that they are just like everyone else, and I'll just get hurt again like all the other times. I do this because Im afarid of getting hurt and in my mind if I keep telling myself this and it turns out to be true, I won't be as hurt. And If the person doesn't end up to be like everyone else? I really don't know, that person really hasn't come into my life yet.
I feel a bit better...my back hurts though...
I said I wasn't going to post in this anymore, but whatever, its convenient.
And Im not sugar coating this post either...because there are just somethings that I really need to get out...and I don't care if you read this or not, but I can tell you now, don't read this thinking its going to be about rainbows and icecream.
The incident with my sister was brought up once again today. I really don't know what to think about it, but disgust and hate. How can a grown man do that to a 6 year old little girl? It sickens me to know people do these types of horrible things to eachother. I feel so bad for her, and I know there isn't anything I can say to make her feel much better. But she knows we are all here for her, atleast the ones that know what happened. Blehh..I can't keep talking about this right now.
I don't know why, but everytime something happeneds to me emotionally it brings up painful memories of my past. I have never really wrote about it, I have talked about it to certian people that I trust. It is just one of those things that really cuts you deep, and with me, it really has never healed up. I don't really know how to deal with my past, so I just choose not to. I can remember when my sister and I were really little, I was about 5 or 6 and my sister was about 3 or 4. My parents were arguing again, like they did every night, though this time it was bad. I remember sitting by the door with my blanket holding my sister while we cried. I never was the best sister in the world, but I was always there for my sister when she needed me. I would beat up anyone who would mess with her, and stick up for her whenever she needed me, same goes for my little brother. I think that makes up for alot.
My parents tried to play it off as they were just talking loudly with eachother. I was 6 I knew what was going on, I wasn't stupid. I was 7 when my parents finally got divorced. I think that was the start of my problems. At the age of 7 years old I brought it upon myself to be a grown up. I took on all the burdens my mom was going threw and kept them deep inside because I felt I had to stay strong for my mom, my brother and sister, which causes me to have to talk to the school consoler everyday beause I would start to cry out of nowhere in class. Who would have known that doing so would really cause so much damage when I got older. My mom got a new boyfriend that we eventually moved in with. He was a big mamma's boy and not to mention a total jerk. I think we lived with him for about 2 years or so, and then out of nowhere we moved again. At the time I didn't know why we had left, come to find out, he was hitting her.
Well we moved to these apartments in town, (I lived in chetek Wisconsin at the time) And honestly those were the best years of my life from 3rd grade to 5th grade. The best times were spent with my mom and my younger siblings. I hated going to my dad's at times, because his temper was so bad, and it scared me. We didn't have the most money growing up, lived off food stamps and my mom working 2 jobs, but I was just happy to be with my real family.
My dad has always had a really bad temper, but it seemed to get worse once him and my mom split up. I was always getting yelled at for the littlest things. I remember one time i got hit in the face with a empty coke box for not rinsing all the soap off the dishes. I was 9, really? wow. I remember being about 10 years old when my dad really stepped out of line. We were going to the lake and we didn't put all the tubes into the trunk and he lost it. He told all three of us that if he could he would put us up for adoption because we were lazy useless kids that belonged with lazy useless people. Now how the hell is a 10, 8, and 6 year old suppose to take that? and you knwo what? He never once apologized.
After the years went on I finished up elementry school and moved to jacksonville, fl. I thought everything would get better from there, well it didn't. No matter how much I begged and cried I would have to go see my dad every summer. I hated it. He verbally abused me all the time. He said I got in trouble because I was the oldest and he had to make an example out of me. At this point in my life I had low self esteem and trusted everyone around me that said they cared about me. Well that was a mistake. My dad broke so many promises and said so many hurtful words that anyone who said something nice to me, or complimented me, I got close to. And once I did, I got torn down.
By the time I was in 8th grade things really started to get bad. My eating habits were staring to change and I was still wearing a size 16 in juniors. I was depressed all the time, but I was good at hiding it. By the time I was in 10th grade I had done alot of things to try and end my life. No one even knew what was going on with me. Not even my mom. The first time I tried to "do away" with myself I was in the 7th grade. I became anorexic and was for about 3 years. I was seeing a therapist for about a year, which didn't help that much.
I still have very bad trust issues and I no longer let my gaurd down all the way. Looking back on all that I have been threw I really believe that God plays a huge part in why Iam still here, along with a couple of my friends. If it wasn't for him or my two best friends, Erika Bridges, and Jose Ramaro, I would not be here, and thats the truth. I still have a hard time when it comes to my emotions, and I tend to get sucked in when people say things to me that make me feel good. I think that since I never heard it from my dad, the man I use to look up to, that once someone else showed me the love that my father didn't I would get sucked in. Come to find out everyone that told me they cared really didn't and were just looking for a fix.
I have met only a few people that I can call my really good friends. I don't fully trust them yet and its been years. I don't know how long it will take me to get over my trust issuse, or if I ever will. They tend to get in the way when I start a relationship with someone, because in the back of my head I tell myself that they are just like everyone else, and I'll just get hurt again like all the other times. I do this because Im afarid of getting hurt and in my mind if I keep telling myself this and it turns out to be true, I won't be as hurt. And If the person doesn't end up to be like everyone else? I really don't know, that person really hasn't come into my life yet.
I feel a bit better...my back hurts though...
One more.
So in the spur of the moment I have decided I want to move back up to wisconsin. I hate it here. And I need to be in a stress free enviroment. I feel bad for leaving my mom alone, but its something I need to do for myself. I have to much going on in my brain and its starting to show physically more and more everyday.My stomach hurts everyday now, and it just keeps getting worse. Im getting sick almost everyday, but I thnk thats more mental. Anyway, Im going to miss my frieds alot...but I just can't stand to be here any longer, I just hope a move will make things better...I hope.
=/
Wow this is starting to become a regular thing with me huh? Well I have had alot go in in the past week or longer, who keeps count anymore.
Anyway, I think these past two days have been the worst in a long time. how about Ishare. yes? okay.
WELLLLLL for starters I went to the beach with my little brother yesterday around 2 and we ended up staying allll day. We sat in the grass and watched the navy band play a few songs, then went out onto the beach and watched some really pretty firworks, we didn't even stay the whole time because traffic gets so bad, so we like 5 mins before they were over. HA! people were leaving with us, and others were already in there cars by the time I got in mine. So my brother and I sat in traffic for alsmot 3 hours. And it was that crappy traffic, the kind where you move 2feet and then stop and sit for 20 mins.
Well when we finally got out of the traffic and I was almost out of gas. We drove the total opposie way of what I use to taking home, and almost got lost. Got gas at a as station and finally made it to beach buluvard. Well once I reached bowden, the street I take to get on the highway, and cop pulls me over. Great huh? anyway he asked me if I knew my break light was out. holy shit I had never been so realived in my life to have a break light out. I told him I had no idea and he let it go. thank god!
But wait here comes the best part! So he takes my liscense and runs it trew comes back and he says to me! "Ma'am did you know your driving on a suspended drivers licsense, thats a criminal offence and I'll ave to take you to the county jail." OH what the fuck?! I freaked. I told him the whole story as to why It must have been suspended and how I had no idea that it ad been suspended and he said "alright since were unknowling driving with it I wont write it up as a criminal offence." O-M-G! So I had some good luck with a nice cop, but NOW since the school system down here sucks I have to either go to court or buy a new liscense.
Anyway, I think these past two days have been the worst in a long time. how about Ishare. yes? okay.
WELLLLLL for starters I went to the beach with my little brother yesterday around 2 and we ended up staying allll day. We sat in the grass and watched the navy band play a few songs, then went out onto the beach and watched some really pretty firworks, we didn't even stay the whole time because traffic gets so bad, so we like 5 mins before they were over. HA! people were leaving with us, and others were already in there cars by the time I got in mine. So my brother and I sat in traffic for alsmot 3 hours. And it was that crappy traffic, the kind where you move 2feet and then stop and sit for 20 mins.
Well when we finally got out of the traffic and I was almost out of gas. We drove the total opposie way of what I use to taking home, and almost got lost. Got gas at a as station and finally made it to beach buluvard. Well once I reached bowden, the street I take to get on the highway, and cop pulls me over. Great huh? anyway he asked me if I knew my break light was out. holy shit I had never been so realived in my life to have a break light out. I told him I had no idea and he let it go. thank god!
But wait here comes the best part! So he takes my liscense and runs it trew comes back and he says to me! "Ma'am did you know your driving on a suspended drivers licsense, thats a criminal offence and I'll ave to take you to the county jail." OH what the fuck?! I freaked. I told him the whole story as to why It must have been suspended and how I had no idea that it ad been suspended and he said "alright since were unknowling driving with it I wont write it up as a criminal offence." O-M-G! So I had some good luck with a nice cop, but NOW since the school system down here sucks I have to either go to court or buy a new liscense.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
?, is the shape of my heart and !, is the shape of my brain
If you don't want to find something you don't like, don't go look for it. Don't you think that makes sense??? I sure think so. Don't go lurking around cause you will eventually come across something you don't want to know. In my blog I write my feelings, so if your reading this and think you'll get upset why don't you do yourself a favor and just go up into the corner of the page and press the 'X'.
Second thoughts Second thoughts!
To kind of go along with my last two posts Ive been thinking alot..maybe too much, but its what I do. I haven't been having any kind of assurance, and I honestly don't plan on getting any anytime soon. How can you fall so hard for someone and know at the same time you don't have a chance anytime soon? I have no idea, but Im sure Im not the only one that it happends to. Though I can honestly say that this has never happend to me. Ive never liked someone I couldn't have before. I try to ster away from it actually, but now that it has me realed in, i don't know what to do.
My heart is so confused, and my brain is a catastrophy.
Im okay with the whole freind thing, I don't have much of a choice anyway. But what am I suppose to do when I get there? sit around and ignore my feelings while the person she wants is always going to be around? Just act like Im okay when inside my brain I want to just hit my self in the head and ask my self what the hell is wrong with me! You can't just ignore strong genuine feelings you have for someone, but hey, Im trying to do it. Why? Im doing it because I don't want to stress out anyone and cause problems because I can't seem to control strong feelings.
Gah Im such a good person..if I was anyone else I would not only be the biggest bitch in the universe, I would be the most none understanding person EVER. Im pretty glad Im so understanding, Im not at first, but once it hits me that I have no choice, I start to understand. I know I don't stand a chance right now, and that kills me. Who does know what the future holds? Yeah, I hate when people say that, because not only does it freak me out, it usually never works out for me. Im usually the one stuck with nothing because I was thinking. "Hey, maybe in the future it will work out! =D fkdjfkd wooo!" Yeah? No. The future comes around and what happeneds? Your sittig alone feeding 20 cats by yourself because you couldn't get a certian someone off your mind. Im not doing that.
I feel like an odd number, Always getting skipped over while all the even numbers get counted and noticed. People crack me up. I hear this alot now. "What! your single? how is that possible when your so hot?" Call it cocky, call it concieted, call it watever you want, but its what I hear. I don't even know how to answer that really. Maybe Im single so much because I have standards, or maybe its simply because when I do date people I get shit on. hmmmm..I got with door number two! ding ding ding, your the winner!
ehh...my brain kinda hurts, blehhh
Second thoughts Second thoughts!
To kind of go along with my last two posts Ive been thinking alot..maybe too much, but its what I do. I haven't been having any kind of assurance, and I honestly don't plan on getting any anytime soon. How can you fall so hard for someone and know at the same time you don't have a chance anytime soon? I have no idea, but Im sure Im not the only one that it happends to. Though I can honestly say that this has never happend to me. Ive never liked someone I couldn't have before. I try to ster away from it actually, but now that it has me realed in, i don't know what to do.
My heart is so confused, and my brain is a catastrophy.
Im okay with the whole freind thing, I don't have much of a choice anyway. But what am I suppose to do when I get there? sit around and ignore my feelings while the person she wants is always going to be around? Just act like Im okay when inside my brain I want to just hit my self in the head and ask my self what the hell is wrong with me! You can't just ignore strong genuine feelings you have for someone, but hey, Im trying to do it. Why? Im doing it because I don't want to stress out anyone and cause problems because I can't seem to control strong feelings.
Gah Im such a good person..if I was anyone else I would not only be the biggest bitch in the universe, I would be the most none understanding person EVER. Im pretty glad Im so understanding, Im not at first, but once it hits me that I have no choice, I start to understand. I know I don't stand a chance right now, and that kills me. Who does know what the future holds? Yeah, I hate when people say that, because not only does it freak me out, it usually never works out for me. Im usually the one stuck with nothing because I was thinking. "Hey, maybe in the future it will work out! =D fkdjfkd wooo!" Yeah? No. The future comes around and what happeneds? Your sittig alone feeding 20 cats by yourself because you couldn't get a certian someone off your mind. Im not doing that.
I feel like an odd number, Always getting skipped over while all the even numbers get counted and noticed. People crack me up. I hear this alot now. "What! your single? how is that possible when your so hot?" Call it cocky, call it concieted, call it watever you want, but its what I hear. I don't even know how to answer that really. Maybe Im single so much because I have standards, or maybe its simply because when I do date people I get shit on. hmmmm..I got with door number two! ding ding ding, your the winner!
ehh...my brain kinda hurts, blehhh
Friday, July 3, 2009
Feelings.
Do you know how hard it is to keep your true feelings for someone to yourself?
its really hard, and it sucks.
its really hard, and it sucks.
All together now.
So I don't really know what to think at the moment. I want to go, but at the same time I don't. I really don't know how I feel about the whole situation. I think it will be hard, and wierd for me to go threw something like that. Just the fact that she will be around makes me feel uncomfortable...I'm understanding with what is going on. And the reason I'm taking it so well is because honestly, I expected nothing. I didn't really expect anything to happen, and I'm glad I didn't, but if I was expecting this to happen, why does it still hurt?
The human brain and emotions are a crazy thing, and at times it drives me up the wall. I try not to get too attached to people, because when I do, I normally get let down. I just want someone who is going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I treat people (girls I like in particular) with the up most respect. Maybe I'am too nice. But thats who I'am, Its in my nature to want to make people happy. I know now when to draw the line, but it still doesn't stop me from making people happy. I tell people what they want to hear alot to avoid a fight or any kind of confrontation. I will apologize in a fight even if it wasn't my fault. But do I get it in return? No.
I'm so sick of putting my all into things and getting nothing in return.
I'm honestly really tired of being single. I mean, I don't mind it to a certian extent, but I just really need to have the feeling of being wanted, or loved by someone else. I have SO much that I can give, my heart is always full. I want to share all these feelings I have bottled up inside me with someone who will appreciate them. Why do I feel so ickish? ugh. I never go out looking for love, ever. It always finds its way to ME. I have only been truthfully in love once. And in the begging it was real, it was real for me, and I know it was real for her. Im pretty annoyed that she would give all that up because she decided she didn't want to be tied down.
I'm tired of people like that. Girls really can be heartless.
I want sooo much, but I need even more.
Maybe Im just needy? Or maybe Im just longing to have someone stick by myside threw all the good and the bad? Have someone who won't give up everytime things get tough. Who will put there 100% into the relationship and meet me half way.
I'm still leaving in a few months, ust ecause I need to get out of here, and I want to take the chance. Honestly it will be hard, but i have will power, and it will hurt to know that Im still wanting something I can't have, but what can you do? Live with it.
The human brain and emotions are a crazy thing, and at times it drives me up the wall. I try not to get too attached to people, because when I do, I normally get let down. I just want someone who is going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I treat people (girls I like in particular) with the up most respect. Maybe I'am too nice. But thats who I'am, Its in my nature to want to make people happy. I know now when to draw the line, but it still doesn't stop me from making people happy. I tell people what they want to hear alot to avoid a fight or any kind of confrontation. I will apologize in a fight even if it wasn't my fault. But do I get it in return? No.
I'm so sick of putting my all into things and getting nothing in return.
I'm honestly really tired of being single. I mean, I don't mind it to a certian extent, but I just really need to have the feeling of being wanted, or loved by someone else. I have SO much that I can give, my heart is always full. I want to share all these feelings I have bottled up inside me with someone who will appreciate them. Why do I feel so ickish? ugh. I never go out looking for love, ever. It always finds its way to ME. I have only been truthfully in love once. And in the begging it was real, it was real for me, and I know it was real for her. Im pretty annoyed that she would give all that up because she decided she didn't want to be tied down.
I'm tired of people like that. Girls really can be heartless.
I want sooo much, but I need even more.
Maybe Im just needy? Or maybe Im just longing to have someone stick by myside threw all the good and the bad? Have someone who won't give up everytime things get tough. Who will put there 100% into the relationship and meet me half way.
I'm still leaving in a few months, ust ecause I need to get out of here, and I want to take the chance. Honestly it will be hard, but i have will power, and it will hurt to know that Im still wanting something I can't have, but what can you do? Live with it.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Yup
So im starting to realize that if you don't have expectations, you can't be dissapointed.
Is it woring for me? No. Not really, not yet anyway.
I have actually realized how emotionaly strong I'm becoming. I'm usually VERY emotional when things like this happen, yeah I'm hurt, upset so on and so forth, but I didn't even cry. One tear and a deep breath is a big accomplishment. Im actually really proud of myself. Although I have the emotions of a girl, so who knows when ill flip the switch and break down ha. I don't know when, but I have a feeling it may be happening soon. Between having problems with my mom and chasing something out of reach, yeah, I'm sure some kind of emotional break down is building up, just getting ready to explode out of me. Oh it will be a sight.
Is it woring for me? No. Not really, not yet anyway.
I have actually realized how emotionaly strong I'm becoming. I'm usually VERY emotional when things like this happen, yeah I'm hurt, upset so on and so forth, but I didn't even cry. One tear and a deep breath is a big accomplishment. Im actually really proud of myself. Although I have the emotions of a girl, so who knows when ill flip the switch and break down ha. I don't know when, but I have a feeling it may be happening soon. Between having problems with my mom and chasing something out of reach, yeah, I'm sure some kind of emotional break down is building up, just getting ready to explode out of me. Oh it will be a sight.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Warning: thinking may cause severe emotional break down!
Gah.!
Is it so hard to just have some kind of stability in my life?
As sad as it may sound, I'm really sick of being single...I actually hate being single. I really don't have much of a choice, but to stay single for two reasons.
Reason one: I haven't been flirting with anyone, so I don't have anyone wanting to date me.
Reason two: Im waiting...I don't know how long I will have to wait, but im doing it
Last night sucked...well not all of it, but my brother decided to bring up his girl friend, and how they broke up because he moved to wisconsin, and he was pretty upset about it. My little brother is in love, awe. Well as he talked about how much he loved her, the more pissed off and depressed I got.
I want to be in love. I miss the way it feels to love someone so much that nothing else really matters. I miss it all...just the way everything feels when you touch, or when you kiss its like the best feeling in the world to feel like your lips are a puzzle piece to theirs. The butterflies that come with the crush and just seem to never go away as time goes by. I had all of that before SHE fucked it all up. But I mean that happeneds all the time. You break up obviously because either it wasn't working out, or you just were not meant to be. And after its all said and done, someone you would least expect comes into your life, and what happeneds? You fall completly head over heals for this girl, and hope to God that she feels the same way about you. And it ussually happeneds all over again.
but ugh, yeah Idk, im tired of being single. I want, to be wanted by someone.
Is it so hard to just have some kind of stability in my life?
As sad as it may sound, I'm really sick of being single...I actually hate being single. I really don't have much of a choice, but to stay single for two reasons.
Reason one: I haven't been flirting with anyone, so I don't have anyone wanting to date me.
Reason two: Im waiting...I don't know how long I will have to wait, but im doing it
Last night sucked...well not all of it, but my brother decided to bring up his girl friend, and how they broke up because he moved to wisconsin, and he was pretty upset about it. My little brother is in love, awe. Well as he talked about how much he loved her, the more pissed off and depressed I got.
I want to be in love. I miss the way it feels to love someone so much that nothing else really matters. I miss it all...just the way everything feels when you touch, or when you kiss its like the best feeling in the world to feel like your lips are a puzzle piece to theirs. The butterflies that come with the crush and just seem to never go away as time goes by. I had all of that before SHE fucked it all up. But I mean that happeneds all the time. You break up obviously because either it wasn't working out, or you just were not meant to be. And after its all said and done, someone you would least expect comes into your life, and what happeneds? You fall completly head over heals for this girl, and hope to God that she feels the same way about you. And it ussually happeneds all over again.
but ugh, yeah Idk, im tired of being single. I want, to be wanted by someone.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Momma
You have been here for me threw EVERYTHING! and I consider you not only my mother, but my best friend. Your always here for me to listen, like Im always here to listen to you. We have had our fair shair of disputes and fights, but in the end I know that you love me more than anything. I hate knowing that your sick...and the thought of you leaving makes my heart hurt. I'm not ready for you to leave us yet...I still need you around. I still have so much to ask you and learn from you. I know that God has a plan for everyone, and if God's plan was for you to be a mother, I think you acomplished that with flying colors.
Your my hero. When I came out to you in the 9th grade you didn't take me seriously, you reacted how any other parent would and I respect that. But as the years went on you started to realize that I wasn't going to marry a man, that I wasn't going to have babies the way you would have wanted me too...and you finally excepted me for who I was, and I respect you even more for that. You never gave up on me EVER, and you always stuck around to help me when I need you. Your my hero in so many ways, that I don't think I could name them all. Im so proud to have you as my mom, and Iam so very proud to be your daughter.
I will take everything you have taught me and showed me in life, and hold onto it forever. I love how goofy you are, and how you know when to be serious. How you and I are emotionally alike in so many ways. I love when people say I look like you, it feels amazing. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. And how corny that sounds, it's true. Alot of kids say they never want to be like their parents, but if I could be like anyone I would be like you. You inspire me to always do better and push myself to succeed in everything and anything I do. You are such an amazing person inside and out, and the best mother anyone could ever ask for. I thank God everyday that I got blessed with you as my mom.
Im scared that one night I'm going to wake up and check on you, and you not be breathing. I think about that all the time...I don't admitt it because I want to be strong for you, like you have been strong for me. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart, and you'll always be my lady. When that day comes when God decides you have to go, I'll try not to be sad. I'll remember everything about you, and when I look at a picture of you I hope I remember exactly how you smelled. I know you probably won't read this, but if you happen to run across this I hope it gives you happy tears.
I love you forever mom.
your daughter, Chandra Louise Mahrle <3
Your my hero. When I came out to you in the 9th grade you didn't take me seriously, you reacted how any other parent would and I respect that. But as the years went on you started to realize that I wasn't going to marry a man, that I wasn't going to have babies the way you would have wanted me too...and you finally excepted me for who I was, and I respect you even more for that. You never gave up on me EVER, and you always stuck around to help me when I need you. Your my hero in so many ways, that I don't think I could name them all. Im so proud to have you as my mom, and Iam so very proud to be your daughter.
I will take everything you have taught me and showed me in life, and hold onto it forever. I love how goofy you are, and how you know when to be serious. How you and I are emotionally alike in so many ways. I love when people say I look like you, it feels amazing. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. And how corny that sounds, it's true. Alot of kids say they never want to be like their parents, but if I could be like anyone I would be like you. You inspire me to always do better and push myself to succeed in everything and anything I do. You are such an amazing person inside and out, and the best mother anyone could ever ask for. I thank God everyday that I got blessed with you as my mom.
Im scared that one night I'm going to wake up and check on you, and you not be breathing. I think about that all the time...I don't admitt it because I want to be strong for you, like you have been strong for me. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart, and you'll always be my lady. When that day comes when God decides you have to go, I'll try not to be sad. I'll remember everything about you, and when I look at a picture of you I hope I remember exactly how you smelled. I know you probably won't read this, but if you happen to run across this I hope it gives you happy tears.
I love you forever mom.
your daughter, Chandra Louise Mahrle <3
Sunday, June 21, 2009
well dangy darn!
Okay so this is going to be new from all my other blogs since they are depressing and blahh. Today will be a good day I can feel it. Although its the worst day of the year! fathers day....Im not a big fan.
BUT anyways, I had an amazing night last night with my little brother and best friend.
We went swimming at aome apartments, took pictures, left and went home to eat AMAZING food <3 then smoked. I ate 2 big plates of potatoe salad, and oreos? ahaha.
I have been heavly thinking about a certian something. I wont go into details, so if you know me you can just ask me. People are weird...everyone is a stalker in their own way..lol but yeah.
I want to go play in a sprinkler, possibly go skinny dipping? its extremly hot. 100 degrees today 0.0! a picnic sound like fun, Ive never been on one, what about a date? maybe possibly go to universal this summer with a couple people? go somewhere fancy with a cute girl and eat dinner? go to the beach and make a sand castle, bury someone in sand and give them big sand boobs? Teach someone how to skimboard? get my spiderman shirt back from my ex? make sure a fight doesnt happen....lol.
WELLL im waiting on a text! my foot hurts...
oh and did i mention i HATE fathers day?
BUT anyways, I had an amazing night last night with my little brother and best friend.
We went swimming at aome apartments, took pictures, left and went home to eat AMAZING food <3 then smoked. I ate 2 big plates of potatoe salad, and oreos? ahaha.
I have been heavly thinking about a certian something. I wont go into details, so if you know me you can just ask me. People are weird...everyone is a stalker in their own way..lol but yeah.
I want to go play in a sprinkler, possibly go skinny dipping? its extremly hot. 100 degrees today 0.0! a picnic sound like fun, Ive never been on one, what about a date? maybe possibly go to universal this summer with a couple people? go somewhere fancy with a cute girl and eat dinner? go to the beach and make a sand castle, bury someone in sand and give them big sand boobs? Teach someone how to skimboard? get my spiderman shirt back from my ex? make sure a fight doesnt happen....lol.
WELLL im waiting on a text! my foot hurts...
oh and did i mention i HATE fathers day?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
numb
Caught in a whirlpool of presant words and past memories
They all remind me of my nightmares
I feel raped and torn
The best parts of me abused and used
Now I can't take it
Tell me all the lies I once belived was the truth
Now rub it in my face and expect me to forgive you
I don't know what I feel anymore, about anything
I feel like im going down a landslide
And now I can't reach my safety cord
I can't feel anything anymore
I want someone to help me feel the things that are real
I don't want to be a abused
I don't want my kindness to be used
Im as vulnerable as a newborn child
No more will I let people tear me down
Im done letting people in, until they show me THEY are worth it
Try to convince me that you'll be true
All I want is to beable to trust again..
I want to be with that one person who wont let me go
Who will hold my hand and never let me fall
I thought I had it all till I got slapped in the face
Reach for my hand and pull me into your arms
I want to feel safe
I want to feel unconditional love
I want my fairytail I never got
Wishful thinking is all Im made of
You don't always get what you want
But it's not what I want..Its what I need
jdkfjdljklsd
fuck...I cant even write all that im feeling right now, I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
Im done with the human race, it sucks.
They all remind me of my nightmares
I feel raped and torn
The best parts of me abused and used
Now I can't take it
Tell me all the lies I once belived was the truth
Now rub it in my face and expect me to forgive you
I don't know what I feel anymore, about anything
I feel like im going down a landslide
And now I can't reach my safety cord
I can't feel anything anymore
I want someone to help me feel the things that are real
I don't want to be a abused
I don't want my kindness to be used
Im as vulnerable as a newborn child
No more will I let people tear me down
Im done letting people in, until they show me THEY are worth it
Try to convince me that you'll be true
All I want is to beable to trust again..
I want to be with that one person who wont let me go
Who will hold my hand and never let me fall
I thought I had it all till I got slapped in the face
Reach for my hand and pull me into your arms
I want to feel safe
I want to feel unconditional love
I want my fairytail I never got
Wishful thinking is all Im made of
You don't always get what you want
But it's not what I want..Its what I need
jdkfjdljklsd
fuck...I cant even write all that im feeling right now, I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
Im done with the human race, it sucks.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Thinking and waiting
waiting to see if tabi is gunna call to hangout with bailey and I, idk if she will, if not owell.
Thinking about some stuff lately.I don't really know what I'm doing, or if it is healthy at all.I guess Im afriad to be led on?Its hard liking someone who has someone already, the last time I did that was with cristina, and she broke up with her boyfriend of a year to date me.I wouldn't expect anyone to do something like that, cause I would be afraid of it happening to me. I would want there to be a big fight and then a break up. It just seems I always end up falling for people who are taken and it sucks. I don't expect someone to break up with their significant other to date someone else. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just afriad to be alone. or if I just have bad luck.
I feel really bad, and I just hope Im not making a complete fool out of myslef, although I have a strong feeling that I'am, and I really don't like it. It actually makes my tummy hurt. I don't know what to really think anymore. Im the kind of person that goes with my feelings. and I think it hurts me more than I would think sometimes. I don't like thinking that Im making an idiot out of myself, because I have a strong genuin care for someone, and I just don't know. I won't stop talking to the person until Im sure that there is no chance in hell that it will happen.
Im addicted to that nervous butterfly feeling you get with a crush. And just the feeling of someone caring about you...I haven't felt that In a long time. I haven't really felt like anyone cares..like im just someone to walk on or a good fuck and then im out like a bag of trash. But I guess I put myself in the situation, so whatever happeneds I'm going to have to deal with...
well my stomach hurts now..blahh
Thinking about some stuff lately.I don't really know what I'm doing, or if it is healthy at all.I guess Im afriad to be led on?Its hard liking someone who has someone already, the last time I did that was with cristina, and she broke up with her boyfriend of a year to date me.I wouldn't expect anyone to do something like that, cause I would be afraid of it happening to me. I would want there to be a big fight and then a break up. It just seems I always end up falling for people who are taken and it sucks. I don't expect someone to break up with their significant other to date someone else. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just afriad to be alone. or if I just have bad luck.
I feel really bad, and I just hope Im not making a complete fool out of myslef, although I have a strong feeling that I'am, and I really don't like it. It actually makes my tummy hurt. I don't know what to really think anymore. Im the kind of person that goes with my feelings. and I think it hurts me more than I would think sometimes. I don't like thinking that Im making an idiot out of myself, because I have a strong genuin care for someone, and I just don't know. I won't stop talking to the person until Im sure that there is no chance in hell that it will happen.
Im addicted to that nervous butterfly feeling you get with a crush. And just the feeling of someone caring about you...I haven't felt that In a long time. I haven't really felt like anyone cares..like im just someone to walk on or a good fuck and then im out like a bag of trash. But I guess I put myself in the situation, so whatever happeneds I'm going to have to deal with...
well my stomach hurts now..blahh
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Hope
So this time Im really sticking to my guns and not going to let her grab ahold of me again. I said what I needed to say and I hope she just takes it and doesn't try to turn this on me being a horrible person, when I know Im not. Im not mean, horrible or an asshole for wanting to be happy. I feel realived, and now I want to move forward. I want to just do something unexpected and just random. I have an idea of what that could be. From now on im going to try and do what is best for me and everything else go in one ear and out the other. Im not going to let anyone come between me and my decisions. I don't regret the decision I have chosen, because I know its whats best for me now in my life.
And all her friends and everyone else can hate on me all they want, because in the end i dont care. They don't know how I feel, or how things effect me, so they can suck it.
And all her friends and everyone else can hate on me all they want, because in the end i dont care. They don't know how I feel, or how things effect me, so they can suck it.
Friday, May 15, 2009
taking a step
So I have been talking to someone for a few weeks now, and I can honestly say she is the most amazing person I have talked to in a long time. It's not easy for me to trust people and I keep my guard up 99.9% of the time with people. It doesn't matter how long I have known that person, just a part of me keeps my walls up for the 'what if'. I hate it. Receantly I have decided to let my guard down and try something new, so far im glad I made that choice. Though that part of me still wants to keep the walls up for the inevitable. I'm trying to ignore that feeling, but sometimes it's too strong.
You can only get hurt so many times before you start to think that everyone will do it to you eventually. I've reacently gotten out of a serious relationship, it was the hardest thing I have been threw, and I have had alot of relationships. This one was diffrent for some reason. I was hurt beyond belief, I didn't know the person I was so inlove with could really treat me the way she treated me. I put myself threw denial and ignored the fact that I was being torn apart. I don't normaly take advice from others when it comes to people Iam dating, but this time I couldn't take anymore of the pain and grief I was being put threw.
You can say your sorry till the word gets old, but it will never be enough to undo something that can last forever. Once I let myself trust someone completly I feel more and more vulnerable. It is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world to me, and extremly hard for me to do. When that trust is broken with me, you can rarely ever get it back. All threw my life I have been let down and stepped on by almost everyone I have been with, or had a friendship with, I guess part of that is my fault. Sometimes I can be too nice, and it sucks. Though in this stage of my life I'm taking a big step and doing for me. If I can't be happy how am I suppose to keep someone else happy?
She says she understands, but I still don't think she fully does get what I'm saying to her. She deleted me off myspace today, I'm not that worried about it. Obviously I'm taking too long to forgive her and move past what she did to me. I don't deserve that. I'm a great person, and I deserve to be treated like one. Im the kind of person that looks for love where ever I go. You could say I'm addicted to it. When people smile because of me I feel like I'm on top of the world. Lately I have been feeling like that alot.
So in about 10 days I get to finally meet the girl that hasn't fail to put a smile on my lips since the first day I talked to her. Im really excited, and nervous at the same time. I know we will have an amazing time, really? We are two amazing people what else kind of time would we have? I really don't know how I'm going to react when she is infront of my face, I just hope I don't make a complete fool out of myself ha. Aside from everythig I have been put threw the past month or so, talking to her and getting to know her has be great. Though I feel like I'm doing something wrong at the same time. You can't help how you feel about people, expessially when you start to like them. I don't regret liking her at all, I really injoy it, and it's something I could get use to.
Im looking forward to those pancakes =]
You can only get hurt so many times before you start to think that everyone will do it to you eventually. I've reacently gotten out of a serious relationship, it was the hardest thing I have been threw, and I have had alot of relationships. This one was diffrent for some reason. I was hurt beyond belief, I didn't know the person I was so inlove with could really treat me the way she treated me. I put myself threw denial and ignored the fact that I was being torn apart. I don't normaly take advice from others when it comes to people Iam dating, but this time I couldn't take anymore of the pain and grief I was being put threw.
You can say your sorry till the word gets old, but it will never be enough to undo something that can last forever. Once I let myself trust someone completly I feel more and more vulnerable. It is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world to me, and extremly hard for me to do. When that trust is broken with me, you can rarely ever get it back. All threw my life I have been let down and stepped on by almost everyone I have been with, or had a friendship with, I guess part of that is my fault. Sometimes I can be too nice, and it sucks. Though in this stage of my life I'm taking a big step and doing for me. If I can't be happy how am I suppose to keep someone else happy?
She says she understands, but I still don't think she fully does get what I'm saying to her. She deleted me off myspace today, I'm not that worried about it. Obviously I'm taking too long to forgive her and move past what she did to me. I don't deserve that. I'm a great person, and I deserve to be treated like one. Im the kind of person that looks for love where ever I go. You could say I'm addicted to it. When people smile because of me I feel like I'm on top of the world. Lately I have been feeling like that alot.
So in about 10 days I get to finally meet the girl that hasn't fail to put a smile on my lips since the first day I talked to her. Im really excited, and nervous at the same time. I know we will have an amazing time, really? We are two amazing people what else kind of time would we have? I really don't know how I'm going to react when she is infront of my face, I just hope I don't make a complete fool out of myself ha. Aside from everythig I have been put threw the past month or so, talking to her and getting to know her has be great. Though I feel like I'm doing something wrong at the same time. You can't help how you feel about people, expessially when you start to like them. I don't regret liking her at all, I really injoy it, and it's something I could get use to.
Im looking forward to those pancakes =]
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