Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Warning: thinking may cause severe emotional break down!
Gah.!
Is it so hard to just have some kind of stability in my life?
As sad as it may sound, I'm really sick of being single...I actually hate being single. I really don't have much of a choice, but to stay single for two reasons.
Reason one: I haven't been flirting with anyone, so I don't have anyone wanting to date me.
Reason two: Im waiting...I don't know how long I will have to wait, but im doing it
Last night sucked...well not all of it, but my brother decided to bring up his girl friend, and how they broke up because he moved to wisconsin, and he was pretty upset about it. My little brother is in love, awe. Well as he talked about how much he loved her, the more pissed off and depressed I got.
I want to be in love. I miss the way it feels to love someone so much that nothing else really matters. I miss it all...just the way everything feels when you touch, or when you kiss its like the best feeling in the world to feel like your lips are a puzzle piece to theirs. The butterflies that come with the crush and just seem to never go away as time goes by. I had all of that before SHE fucked it all up. But I mean that happeneds all the time. You break up obviously because either it wasn't working out, or you just were not meant to be. And after its all said and done, someone you would least expect comes into your life, and what happeneds? You fall completly head over heals for this girl, and hope to God that she feels the same way about you. And it ussually happeneds all over again.
but ugh, yeah Idk, im tired of being single. I want, to be wanted by someone.
Is it so hard to just have some kind of stability in my life?
As sad as it may sound, I'm really sick of being single...I actually hate being single. I really don't have much of a choice, but to stay single for two reasons.
Reason one: I haven't been flirting with anyone, so I don't have anyone wanting to date me.
Reason two: Im waiting...I don't know how long I will have to wait, but im doing it
Last night sucked...well not all of it, but my brother decided to bring up his girl friend, and how they broke up because he moved to wisconsin, and he was pretty upset about it. My little brother is in love, awe. Well as he talked about how much he loved her, the more pissed off and depressed I got.
I want to be in love. I miss the way it feels to love someone so much that nothing else really matters. I miss it all...just the way everything feels when you touch, or when you kiss its like the best feeling in the world to feel like your lips are a puzzle piece to theirs. The butterflies that come with the crush and just seem to never go away as time goes by. I had all of that before SHE fucked it all up. But I mean that happeneds all the time. You break up obviously because either it wasn't working out, or you just were not meant to be. And after its all said and done, someone you would least expect comes into your life, and what happeneds? You fall completly head over heals for this girl, and hope to God that she feels the same way about you. And it ussually happeneds all over again.
but ugh, yeah Idk, im tired of being single. I want, to be wanted by someone.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Momma
You have been here for me threw EVERYTHING! and I consider you not only my mother, but my best friend. Your always here for me to listen, like Im always here to listen to you. We have had our fair shair of disputes and fights, but in the end I know that you love me more than anything. I hate knowing that your sick...and the thought of you leaving makes my heart hurt. I'm not ready for you to leave us yet...I still need you around. I still have so much to ask you and learn from you. I know that God has a plan for everyone, and if God's plan was for you to be a mother, I think you acomplished that with flying colors.
Your my hero. When I came out to you in the 9th grade you didn't take me seriously, you reacted how any other parent would and I respect that. But as the years went on you started to realize that I wasn't going to marry a man, that I wasn't going to have babies the way you would have wanted me too...and you finally excepted me for who I was, and I respect you even more for that. You never gave up on me EVER, and you always stuck around to help me when I need you. Your my hero in so many ways, that I don't think I could name them all. Im so proud to have you as my mom, and Iam so very proud to be your daughter.
I will take everything you have taught me and showed me in life, and hold onto it forever. I love how goofy you are, and how you know when to be serious. How you and I are emotionally alike in so many ways. I love when people say I look like you, it feels amazing. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. And how corny that sounds, it's true. Alot of kids say they never want to be like their parents, but if I could be like anyone I would be like you. You inspire me to always do better and push myself to succeed in everything and anything I do. You are such an amazing person inside and out, and the best mother anyone could ever ask for. I thank God everyday that I got blessed with you as my mom.
Im scared that one night I'm going to wake up and check on you, and you not be breathing. I think about that all the time...I don't admitt it because I want to be strong for you, like you have been strong for me. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart, and you'll always be my lady. When that day comes when God decides you have to go, I'll try not to be sad. I'll remember everything about you, and when I look at a picture of you I hope I remember exactly how you smelled. I know you probably won't read this, but if you happen to run across this I hope it gives you happy tears.
I love you forever mom.
your daughter, Chandra Louise Mahrle <3
Your my hero. When I came out to you in the 9th grade you didn't take me seriously, you reacted how any other parent would and I respect that. But as the years went on you started to realize that I wasn't going to marry a man, that I wasn't going to have babies the way you would have wanted me too...and you finally excepted me for who I was, and I respect you even more for that. You never gave up on me EVER, and you always stuck around to help me when I need you. Your my hero in so many ways, that I don't think I could name them all. Im so proud to have you as my mom, and Iam so very proud to be your daughter.
I will take everything you have taught me and showed me in life, and hold onto it forever. I love how goofy you are, and how you know when to be serious. How you and I are emotionally alike in so many ways. I love when people say I look like you, it feels amazing. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. And how corny that sounds, it's true. Alot of kids say they never want to be like their parents, but if I could be like anyone I would be like you. You inspire me to always do better and push myself to succeed in everything and anything I do. You are such an amazing person inside and out, and the best mother anyone could ever ask for. I thank God everyday that I got blessed with you as my mom.
Im scared that one night I'm going to wake up and check on you, and you not be breathing. I think about that all the time...I don't admitt it because I want to be strong for you, like you have been strong for me. I want you to know that I love you with all my heart, and you'll always be my lady. When that day comes when God decides you have to go, I'll try not to be sad. I'll remember everything about you, and when I look at a picture of you I hope I remember exactly how you smelled. I know you probably won't read this, but if you happen to run across this I hope it gives you happy tears.
I love you forever mom.
your daughter, Chandra Louise Mahrle <3
Sunday, June 21, 2009
well dangy darn!
Okay so this is going to be new from all my other blogs since they are depressing and blahh. Today will be a good day I can feel it. Although its the worst day of the year! fathers day....Im not a big fan.
BUT anyways, I had an amazing night last night with my little brother and best friend.
We went swimming at aome apartments, took pictures, left and went home to eat AMAZING food <3 then smoked. I ate 2 big plates of potatoe salad, and oreos? ahaha.
I have been heavly thinking about a certian something. I wont go into details, so if you know me you can just ask me. People are weird...everyone is a stalker in their own way..lol but yeah.
I want to go play in a sprinkler, possibly go skinny dipping? its extremly hot. 100 degrees today 0.0! a picnic sound like fun, Ive never been on one, what about a date? maybe possibly go to universal this summer with a couple people? go somewhere fancy with a cute girl and eat dinner? go to the beach and make a sand castle, bury someone in sand and give them big sand boobs? Teach someone how to skimboard? get my spiderman shirt back from my ex? make sure a fight doesnt happen....lol.
WELLL im waiting on a text! my foot hurts...
oh and did i mention i HATE fathers day?
BUT anyways, I had an amazing night last night with my little brother and best friend.
We went swimming at aome apartments, took pictures, left and went home to eat AMAZING food <3 then smoked. I ate 2 big plates of potatoe salad, and oreos? ahaha.
I have been heavly thinking about a certian something. I wont go into details, so if you know me you can just ask me. People are weird...everyone is a stalker in their own way..lol but yeah.
I want to go play in a sprinkler, possibly go skinny dipping? its extremly hot. 100 degrees today 0.0! a picnic sound like fun, Ive never been on one, what about a date? maybe possibly go to universal this summer with a couple people? go somewhere fancy with a cute girl and eat dinner? go to the beach and make a sand castle, bury someone in sand and give them big sand boobs? Teach someone how to skimboard? get my spiderman shirt back from my ex? make sure a fight doesnt happen....lol.
WELLL im waiting on a text! my foot hurts...
oh and did i mention i HATE fathers day?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
numb
Caught in a whirlpool of presant words and past memories
They all remind me of my nightmares
I feel raped and torn
The best parts of me abused and used
Now I can't take it
Tell me all the lies I once belived was the truth
Now rub it in my face and expect me to forgive you
I don't know what I feel anymore, about anything
I feel like im going down a landslide
And now I can't reach my safety cord
I can't feel anything anymore
I want someone to help me feel the things that are real
I don't want to be a abused
I don't want my kindness to be used
Im as vulnerable as a newborn child
No more will I let people tear me down
Im done letting people in, until they show me THEY are worth it
Try to convince me that you'll be true
All I want is to beable to trust again..
I want to be with that one person who wont let me go
Who will hold my hand and never let me fall
I thought I had it all till I got slapped in the face
Reach for my hand and pull me into your arms
I want to feel safe
I want to feel unconditional love
I want my fairytail I never got
Wishful thinking is all Im made of
You don't always get what you want
But it's not what I want..Its what I need
jdkfjdljklsd
fuck...I cant even write all that im feeling right now, I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
Im done with the human race, it sucks.
They all remind me of my nightmares
I feel raped and torn
The best parts of me abused and used
Now I can't take it
Tell me all the lies I once belived was the truth
Now rub it in my face and expect me to forgive you
I don't know what I feel anymore, about anything
I feel like im going down a landslide
And now I can't reach my safety cord
I can't feel anything anymore
I want someone to help me feel the things that are real
I don't want to be a abused
I don't want my kindness to be used
Im as vulnerable as a newborn child
No more will I let people tear me down
Im done letting people in, until they show me THEY are worth it
Try to convince me that you'll be true
All I want is to beable to trust again..
I want to be with that one person who wont let me go
Who will hold my hand and never let me fall
I thought I had it all till I got slapped in the face
Reach for my hand and pull me into your arms
I want to feel safe
I want to feel unconditional love
I want my fairytail I never got
Wishful thinking is all Im made of
You don't always get what you want
But it's not what I want..Its what I need
jdkfjdljklsd
fuck...I cant even write all that im feeling right now, I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
Im done with the human race, it sucks.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Thinking and waiting
waiting to see if tabi is gunna call to hangout with bailey and I, idk if she will, if not owell.
Thinking about some stuff lately.I don't really know what I'm doing, or if it is healthy at all.I guess Im afriad to be led on?Its hard liking someone who has someone already, the last time I did that was with cristina, and she broke up with her boyfriend of a year to date me.I wouldn't expect anyone to do something like that, cause I would be afraid of it happening to me. I would want there to be a big fight and then a break up. It just seems I always end up falling for people who are taken and it sucks. I don't expect someone to break up with their significant other to date someone else. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just afriad to be alone. or if I just have bad luck.
I feel really bad, and I just hope Im not making a complete fool out of myslef, although I have a strong feeling that I'am, and I really don't like it. It actually makes my tummy hurt. I don't know what to really think anymore. Im the kind of person that goes with my feelings. and I think it hurts me more than I would think sometimes. I don't like thinking that Im making an idiot out of myself, because I have a strong genuin care for someone, and I just don't know. I won't stop talking to the person until Im sure that there is no chance in hell that it will happen.
Im addicted to that nervous butterfly feeling you get with a crush. And just the feeling of someone caring about you...I haven't felt that In a long time. I haven't really felt like anyone cares..like im just someone to walk on or a good fuck and then im out like a bag of trash. But I guess I put myself in the situation, so whatever happeneds I'm going to have to deal with...
well my stomach hurts now..blahh
Thinking about some stuff lately.I don't really know what I'm doing, or if it is healthy at all.I guess Im afriad to be led on?Its hard liking someone who has someone already, the last time I did that was with cristina, and she broke up with her boyfriend of a year to date me.I wouldn't expect anyone to do something like that, cause I would be afraid of it happening to me. I would want there to be a big fight and then a break up. It just seems I always end up falling for people who are taken and it sucks. I don't expect someone to break up with their significant other to date someone else. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just afriad to be alone. or if I just have bad luck.
I feel really bad, and I just hope Im not making a complete fool out of myslef, although I have a strong feeling that I'am, and I really don't like it. It actually makes my tummy hurt. I don't know what to really think anymore. Im the kind of person that goes with my feelings. and I think it hurts me more than I would think sometimes. I don't like thinking that Im making an idiot out of myself, because I have a strong genuin care for someone, and I just don't know. I won't stop talking to the person until Im sure that there is no chance in hell that it will happen.
Im addicted to that nervous butterfly feeling you get with a crush. And just the feeling of someone caring about you...I haven't felt that In a long time. I haven't really felt like anyone cares..like im just someone to walk on or a good fuck and then im out like a bag of trash. But I guess I put myself in the situation, so whatever happeneds I'm going to have to deal with...
well my stomach hurts now..blahh
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