Wow can today get any worse? It probably could, but I rather it not.
I said I wasn't going to post in this anymore, but whatever, its convenient.
And Im not sugar coating this post either...because there are just somethings that I really need to get out...and I don't care if you read this or not, but I can tell you now, don't read this thinking its going to be about rainbows and icecream.
The incident with my sister was brought up once again today. I really don't know what to think about it, but disgust and hate. How can a grown man do that to a 6 year old little girl? It sickens me to know people do these types of horrible things to eachother. I feel so bad for her, and I know there isn't anything I can say to make her feel much better. But she knows we are all here for her, atleast the ones that know what happened. Blehh..I can't keep talking about this right now.
I don't know why, but everytime something happeneds to me emotionally it brings up painful memories of my past. I have never really wrote about it, I have talked about it to certian people that I trust. It is just one of those things that really cuts you deep, and with me, it really has never healed up. I don't really know how to deal with my past, so I just choose not to. I can remember when my sister and I were really little, I was about 5 or 6 and my sister was about 3 or 4. My parents were arguing again, like they did every night, though this time it was bad. I remember sitting by the door with my blanket holding my sister while we cried. I never was the best sister in the world, but I was always there for my sister when she needed me. I would beat up anyone who would mess with her, and stick up for her whenever she needed me, same goes for my little brother. I think that makes up for alot.
My parents tried to play it off as they were just talking loudly with eachother. I was 6 I knew what was going on, I wasn't stupid. I was 7 when my parents finally got divorced. I think that was the start of my problems. At the age of 7 years old I brought it upon myself to be a grown up. I took on all the burdens my mom was going threw and kept them deep inside because I felt I had to stay strong for my mom, my brother and sister, which causes me to have to talk to the school consoler everyday beause I would start to cry out of nowhere in class. Who would have known that doing so would really cause so much damage when I got older. My mom got a new boyfriend that we eventually moved in with. He was a big mamma's boy and not to mention a total jerk. I think we lived with him for about 2 years or so, and then out of nowhere we moved again. At the time I didn't know why we had left, come to find out, he was hitting her.
Well we moved to these apartments in town, (I lived in chetek Wisconsin at the time) And honestly those were the best years of my life from 3rd grade to 5th grade. The best times were spent with my mom and my younger siblings. I hated going to my dad's at times, because his temper was so bad, and it scared me. We didn't have the most money growing up, lived off food stamps and my mom working 2 jobs, but I was just happy to be with my real family.
My dad has always had a really bad temper, but it seemed to get worse once him and my mom split up. I was always getting yelled at for the littlest things. I remember one time i got hit in the face with a empty coke box for not rinsing all the soap off the dishes. I was 9, really? wow. I remember being about 10 years old when my dad really stepped out of line. We were going to the lake and we didn't put all the tubes into the trunk and he lost it. He told all three of us that if he could he would put us up for adoption because we were lazy useless kids that belonged with lazy useless people. Now how the hell is a 10, 8, and 6 year old suppose to take that? and you knwo what? He never once apologized.
After the years went on I finished up elementry school and moved to jacksonville, fl. I thought everything would get better from there, well it didn't. No matter how much I begged and cried I would have to go see my dad every summer. I hated it. He verbally abused me all the time. He said I got in trouble because I was the oldest and he had to make an example out of me. At this point in my life I had low self esteem and trusted everyone around me that said they cared about me. Well that was a mistake. My dad broke so many promises and said so many hurtful words that anyone who said something nice to me, or complimented me, I got close to. And once I did, I got torn down.
By the time I was in 8th grade things really started to get bad. My eating habits were staring to change and I was still wearing a size 16 in juniors. I was depressed all the time, but I was good at hiding it. By the time I was in 10th grade I had done alot of things to try and end my life. No one even knew what was going on with me. Not even my mom. The first time I tried to "do away" with myself I was in the 7th grade. I became anorexic and was for about 3 years. I was seeing a therapist for about a year, which didn't help that much.
I still have very bad trust issues and I no longer let my gaurd down all the way. Looking back on all that I have been threw I really believe that God plays a huge part in why Iam still here, along with a couple of my friends. If it wasn't for him or my two best friends, Erika Bridges, and Jose Ramaro, I would not be here, and thats the truth. I still have a hard time when it comes to my emotions, and I tend to get sucked in when people say things to me that make me feel good. I think that since I never heard it from my dad, the man I use to look up to, that once someone else showed me the love that my father didn't I would get sucked in. Come to find out everyone that told me they cared really didn't and were just looking for a fix.
I have met only a few people that I can call my really good friends. I don't fully trust them yet and its been years. I don't know how long it will take me to get over my trust issuse, or if I ever will. They tend to get in the way when I start a relationship with someone, because in the back of my head I tell myself that they are just like everyone else, and I'll just get hurt again like all the other times. I do this because Im afarid of getting hurt and in my mind if I keep telling myself this and it turns out to be true, I won't be as hurt. And If the person doesn't end up to be like everyone else? I really don't know, that person really hasn't come into my life yet.
I feel a bit better...my back hurts though...
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